A troubled marriage is like a millstone around your neck. But in spite of that, a lot of couples stay in a relationship for varied reasons: for the sake of the children, divorce is embarrassing to their friends or they have not lost hope that their marriage can be mended. Half of all marriages end in divorce; however, this doesn’t mean the other half is living happily ever after. A troubled marriage seems like it will stay that way forever but usually the cause is just something that has been going on for years but never pinpointed as the problem. And the culprit that is a common cause of a troubled marriage is selfishness.
Don’t overlook the fact that you and your spouse are equally important in your relationship. Supposing that both of you have different and contrary opinions or preferences of a way of doing things, it doesn’t follow that your way is the correct one and should therefore be followed. The cause of a troubled marriage is frequently a partner who must get his or her way and gets angry if he or she doesn’t. To combat selfishness, learn to compromise. Accepting that you are not going to get your own way some of the time will pave the way to a harmonious marriage.
Usually, in a troubled marriage, some form of selfishness is present in both partners. When one or both spouses are always adamant about getting their own way or having everybody do their bidding, arguments erupt. Resentment and anger sets in and if allowed to simmer, it can blow up. Temper tantrums are for two year old kids, not married adults! These are the types of behavior that are seen in a troubled marriage. If both partners stop acting like spoiled brats and start being more considerate of the other’s wishes, there will be a noticeable improvement in the relationship. Listening to the other’s point of view and putting aside your own selfish desire will work wonders for your marriage.
So how do you know if selfishness is in your marriage and is the cause of your problems? Count the times you get your way and dismiss your partner’s wishes when she disagrees with your decision. A troubled marriage occurs when a spouse tunes out his partner the moment she starts speaking out. Don’t forget that your spouse is the other half of your marriage and as such, is entitled to state her opinions, too. To be a more thoughtful and less self-centered partner, pay attention to what your partner is saying and do not dismiss her opinions outright.
A troubled marriage can be healed when selfishness of one or both spouses is put aside. Giving value and importance to each other’s wants and needs instead of being obstinate and insisting on your way being followed all the time is a good way to start mending your relationship. You went into the marriage as two consenting and level-headed adults, and for a troubled marriage to shift to a peaceful and happy one, you should start acting less like kids and more like grown-ups.
Sunday, 17 May 2009
Sunday, 3 May 2009
What To Do If You Realise Your Partner is Having an Affair?
If you have just discovered your partner has been having an affair, you might think that the feelings of betrayal, disappointment and anger will never subside. When you're in such emotional turmoil, you really must try to control how you communicate with your partner when you start to discuss the issue.
Here are some tips for how to deal with the problem.
- Even if you fear bad news is at hand, agree to spend appropriate time talking and listening to your partner.
- Maintain eye contact with your partner. When you talk about it sit or stand so that you can see each other clearly
- Let your partner finish before responding. Always avoid interrupting when your partner partner is speaking.
- It is important to hear all the information, so try to resist the urge to start shouting, or rushing out of the room, even if you do feel hurt and upset.
- Ask questions if you need to, but ask those that relate to why the affair happened. For instance, ask what your partner felt was going wrong in your relationship that caused them to go ahead and have an affair.
- Avoid asking questions such as "Were they better in bed than me?" You may want answers to these kinds of questions later on, but it is better to make sense of your feelings about why the affair happened at this stage.
- Avoid immediately blaming your partner, their lover or yourself. It may seem tempting to hurl an insult at your partner about their fickleness and blame their lover as seducer, but this will not help you work out why the affair has happened. You should also shy away from self-blame.
Ultimately affairs are a symptom of problems within your joint relationship, even though you might wonder if your own short-comings have caused the affair, or you might see the breakdown as all your partner's fault.
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
How to Rebuild Emotional Connections in your Marriage
Instinctively, we all want to be part of a relationship. You might be surprised to learn that, in fact, the desire to feel connected is very deeply ingrained. Many people will only experience that desire to feel connected to someone else during times of need—when you want to be understood.
When their partner cannot make timely connections to ease anxiety, it is quite common for people to feel let down and frustrated.
When people do try to connect it is important that each partner can demonstrate they understand the other person's feelings. Do bear in mind you don't have have to agree with your partner's viewpoint, but you do need to recognise their circumstances and how those circumstances have affected their opinions and viewpoints.
Always Remember Personal Perspective
It is inevitable that everyone has their own view of the world. We all experience things slightly differently. If two people went to a soccer match and reported on the game, although they both attended the same game, one person might be viewing from the touchlines and another from way up high in an executive box. Does this situation make either of the reports more correct? Of course not. It's just a slightly different perspective. There is no deceit, deception or dishonesty involved.
Couples can benefit from looking at this scenario and then reviewing how differences in perspective can happen in their own relationship.
If you are struggling in your relationship, why not check out my 8 simple tips that can help your marriage.
When their partner cannot make timely connections to ease anxiety, it is quite common for people to feel let down and frustrated.
When people do try to connect it is important that each partner can demonstrate they understand the other person's feelings. Do bear in mind you don't have have to agree with your partner's viewpoint, but you do need to recognise their circumstances and how those circumstances have affected their opinions and viewpoints.
Always Remember Personal Perspective
It is inevitable that everyone has their own view of the world. We all experience things slightly differently. If two people went to a soccer match and reported on the game, although they both attended the same game, one person might be viewing from the touchlines and another from way up high in an executive box. Does this situation make either of the reports more correct? Of course not. It's just a slightly different perspective. There is no deceit, deception or dishonesty involved.
Couples can benefit from looking at this scenario and then reviewing how differences in perspective can happen in their own relationship.
If you are struggling in your relationship, why not check out my 8 simple tips that can help your marriage.
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
10 Tips for Making Easier Divorce
Just looking at how Hulk Hogan's divorce from his wife Linda Hogan is reported to be evolving, it's easy to see that tempers can fray very quickly when couples believe divorce is the only answer.
If you are considering or are going through a divorce, here are some tips to help make things more bearable.
- Do not involve the children – they won't thank you for it in the long term whether they are adults or still children because they think the whole situation is very unfair.
- Don't mud sling - stop yourself from including each and every bad thing your partner has ever done in the Behaviour Petition!
- Talk to each other – easier said than done perhaps but the more you talk the easier (and cheaper!) it will be.
- Don't name the 3rd party – this can cause increase costs and delay and won't make you feel better.
- Do you really need to defend your divorce? – defending a divorce is very expensive and if one person believes the marriage has broken down then a Judge may take the same view.
- Provide sufficient financil support for your spouse – yes they really do need food to eat and a roof over their head!
- Be open with your spouse about your finances – you both need to know exactly what money there is and where.
- Don't argue about the contents of your home – it will cost you more than if you bought them new!
- Try mediation – if you find it difficult to talk to each other then involving a mediator can help!
- If there is till time to repair your relationship, try reading my guide to stopping divorce, before things get too bad.
Wishing you the best,
Marjorie Black
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Mistakes Men Make in Relationships
Without wishing to suggest that everyone's the same, there are some basic facts that undermine many relationships.
If you're aware of the pitfalls it's easier to avoid them, so here's a list of some of the things that commonly go wrong.
Not investing enough time in your relationship
You need to nurture your relationship - it doesn't just thrive as well on its own - it requires effort on the part of both partners.
"Housework" is not just for women
Household chores need to be shared. You can learn how to do laundry, vacuum the house and wash the dishes if you haven’t learned in the past. Equally, ladies, you can learn how to put out the trash or paint a garden fence. Better still, share the jobs between you. The variety of jobs help reduce some of the monotony and if you share doing bigger jobs, like painting the house, it can also help form a bond between you.
Your partner is NOT your Mom
You're a grown adult and your partner is not responsible for organising your life, or doing jobs you could do yourself, like making sandwiches for your lunchbox before you go to work.
Thinking everything is about you and for you
You have to be sympathetic about your partners needs. If it's "me, me, me" all the time, then that selfishness can really harm your relationship.
If tempers do flare up, work on a resolution, don't walk away
If your temper does explode, you need to give your partner time to understand why you are frustrated, and you need to spend time together working out what the solution is.
Empathise with your partners ideas
Not listening to and supporting your partner’s ideas, even if you don’t believe in them, is a real problem. People have to feel listened to to feel valued in a relationship. If you don't take time to listen to your partner's point of view, hopes, fears and dreams, then you are building up an invisible barrier.
Putting down family members
Remember that blood is thicker than water. Of course you can voice an opinion occasionally, it just means don’t constantly complain about her family even if you are right. This breeds hostility within the relationship. You knew her family before starting a long-term relationship with her, so complaining after the fact will do nothing but cause problems in your relationship.
Not learning to be emotionally available
It's very important to talk about who you are, where you came from, what's happened in the past and to describe your future dreams. Many men find this difficult, so if you feel you can't take the plunge and reveal your feelings, perhaps check out a self-help book or group. Remember, the world is not going to end if you reveal a little about yourself to your partner.
If you're aware of the pitfalls it's easier to avoid them, so here's a list of some of the things that commonly go wrong.
Not investing enough time in your relationship
You need to nurture your relationship - it doesn't just thrive as well on its own - it requires effort on the part of both partners.
"Housework" is not just for women
Household chores need to be shared. You can learn how to do laundry, vacuum the house and wash the dishes if you haven’t learned in the past. Equally, ladies, you can learn how to put out the trash or paint a garden fence. Better still, share the jobs between you. The variety of jobs help reduce some of the monotony and if you share doing bigger jobs, like painting the house, it can also help form a bond between you.
Your partner is NOT your Mom
You're a grown adult and your partner is not responsible for organising your life, or doing jobs you could do yourself, like making sandwiches for your lunchbox before you go to work.
Thinking everything is about you and for you
You have to be sympathetic about your partners needs. If it's "me, me, me" all the time, then that selfishness can really harm your relationship.
If tempers do flare up, work on a resolution, don't walk away
If your temper does explode, you need to give your partner time to understand why you are frustrated, and you need to spend time together working out what the solution is.
Empathise with your partners ideas
Not listening to and supporting your partner’s ideas, even if you don’t believe in them, is a real problem. People have to feel listened to to feel valued in a relationship. If you don't take time to listen to your partner's point of view, hopes, fears and dreams, then you are building up an invisible barrier.
Putting down family members
Remember that blood is thicker than water. Of course you can voice an opinion occasionally, it just means don’t constantly complain about her family even if you are right. This breeds hostility within the relationship. You knew her family before starting a long-term relationship with her, so complaining after the fact will do nothing but cause problems in your relationship.
Not learning to be emotionally available
It's very important to talk about who you are, where you came from, what's happened in the past and to describe your future dreams. Many men find this difficult, so if you feel you can't take the plunge and reveal your feelings, perhaps check out a self-help book or group. Remember, the world is not going to end if you reveal a little about yourself to your partner.
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Simple Tips to Improve Your Relationship Today!
Do you think you have a healthy relationship? Some people do and while it's easy to think that it just comes easily for them, there are probably things they're doing every single day to improve that relationship and keep it healthy, whether they're aware of it or not. Usually it takes work to keep a relationship alive and to keep the sparks lit, so to speak, but for those who want to improve and have a more healthy relationship, there are 3 simple things you can do.
Positive Steps You Take Every Day
Think about what positive steps you take every day to make sure you're in a healthy relationship. Do you really listen to him or her or do you have a tendency to tune out? Are you kind and considerate to your partner, do you find things to compliment him or her about, and do you bite your tongue when you're ready to be sarcastic and dismissive? Do you do the things that are important to him or her in having a healthy relationship?
Taking positive steps toward building up your relationship is just as important as avoiding the negative behaviors that tear it down.
Ask Yourself Are You Being True to Your Feelings?
Secondly, ask yourself if you really act as if you're in a relationship or if your actions are the same as when you were on your own. Do you stubbornly insist on doing what you want with little or no regard for your partner's feelings or opinions? This is obviously no way to have a healthy relationship. Some people resent taking their partner's opinions into consideration when it comes to their own actions and resent ever having to do something different than what they want to do. Howver, you have to realise, having a healthy relationship means that you're working toward being in a partnership and not just acting like two single people that live together.
Learn to Put Selfishness Aside
Finally, you can consider about having a healthy relationship is selfishness. People often want to do whatever they want and want things their way all the time; grown-up, adult, mature people learn to put this selfishness aside for the good of others. Anyone that insists on their way all the time doesn't deserve to be in a relationship and certainly will never be in a healthy relationship. While this doesn't mean that anyone should always give up what they want it does mean that two people should be working at making each other happy. This means compromise and meeting in the middle for many issues. It might also mean "taking turns" when it comes to getting your own way; this weekend he picks the movie and next weekend it's her choice. Tonight you see his obnoxious friends that you don't like and tomorrow night your family comes over for dinner, even if he can't stand your mother. Trading off things like this is part of any healthy relationship.
So keep these simple things in mind and work hard at them, and soon enough you'll have a great relationship too!
Positive Steps You Take Every Day
Think about what positive steps you take every day to make sure you're in a healthy relationship. Do you really listen to him or her or do you have a tendency to tune out? Are you kind and considerate to your partner, do you find things to compliment him or her about, and do you bite your tongue when you're ready to be sarcastic and dismissive? Do you do the things that are important to him or her in having a healthy relationship?
Taking positive steps toward building up your relationship is just as important as avoiding the negative behaviors that tear it down.
Ask Yourself Are You Being True to Your Feelings?
Secondly, ask yourself if you really act as if you're in a relationship or if your actions are the same as when you were on your own. Do you stubbornly insist on doing what you want with little or no regard for your partner's feelings or opinions? This is obviously no way to have a healthy relationship. Some people resent taking their partner's opinions into consideration when it comes to their own actions and resent ever having to do something different than what they want to do. Howver, you have to realise, having a healthy relationship means that you're working toward being in a partnership and not just acting like two single people that live together.
Learn to Put Selfishness Aside
Finally, you can consider about having a healthy relationship is selfishness. People often want to do whatever they want and want things their way all the time; grown-up, adult, mature people learn to put this selfishness aside for the good of others. Anyone that insists on their way all the time doesn't deserve to be in a relationship and certainly will never be in a healthy relationship. While this doesn't mean that anyone should always give up what they want it does mean that two people should be working at making each other happy. This means compromise and meeting in the middle for many issues. It might also mean "taking turns" when it comes to getting your own way; this weekend he picks the movie and next weekend it's her choice. Tonight you see his obnoxious friends that you don't like and tomorrow night your family comes over for dinner, even if he can't stand your mother. Trading off things like this is part of any healthy relationship.
So keep these simple things in mind and work hard at them, and soon enough you'll have a great relationship too!
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